The Lion and Albert

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The Lion and Albert

by Stanley Holloway

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool

That's noted for fresh air and fun

And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom

Went there with young Albert, their son

A grand little lad were young Albert

All dressed in his best, quite a swell

With a stick with an horse's head handle

The finest that Woolworth's could sell

They didn't think much to the ocean

The waves they were piddlin' and small

There was no wrecks and nobody drowneded

'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all!

So, seeking for further amusement

They paid, and went into the zoo

Where they'd lions and tigers and camels

And old ale and sandwiches, too

There were one great big lion called Wallace

His nose was all covered with scars

He lay in a somnolent posture

With the side of 'is face on the bars

Now Albert had heard about lions

How they was ferocious and wild

To see Wallace lyin' so peaceful

Well it didn't seem right to the child

So straightway the brave little feller

Not showin' a morsel of fear

Took 'is stick with the horse's head handle

And shoved it in Wallace's ear

You could see that the lion didn't like it

For givin' a kind of a roll

He pulled Albert inside the cage with him

And swallowed the little lad whole!

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence

And didn't know what to do next

Said "Mother, yon lion's ate Albert!"

And Mother said "Ee, I am vexed"

Then Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom, quite rightly

When all is said and done

Complained to the animal keeper

That the lion had eaten their son

The keeper was quite nice about it

He said "What a nasty mishap

Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?"

Pa said, "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

The manager had to be sent for

He came and he said "What's to-do?"

Pa said "Yon lion's ate Albert

And him in his Sunday clothes, too!"

Then Mother said "Right's right, young feller-

I think it's a shame and a sin

For a lion to go and eat Albert

And after we paid to come in"

The manager wanted no trouble

He took out his purse right away

Sayin' "How much to settle the matter?"

Pa says "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward

When she thought where her Albert had gone

She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!"

So that was decided upon

Then off they went to the police station

In front of the Magistrate chap

They told him what happened to Albert

And proved it by showing his cap

The Magistrate gave his opinion

That no one was really to blame

And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms

Would have further sons to their name

At that Mother got proper blazin'

"And thank you, sir, kindly, " said she-

"What, waste all our lives raisin' children

To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"