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A couple of months ago my wireless at the office went out and I had to go through the excruciating experience of working with AT&T to replace the router. About a month ago, the internet went out at home. Same thing: "We need to install the most recent router. We would like to send it to you by Shetland Pony from our distribution center in Outer Mongolia. It should arrive in 83 days." Or something like that.

Bit the bullet, was out of service for a few days and then they replaced it.

Wake up this morning and the internet is out again! Scramble around finding all the account numbers, the usernames, the passwords, etc., rebooted the device a couple of times with no joy, and log into AT&T chat to resolve this. Had tried to resolve online but their automated virtual assistants are automated but don't assist.

So here is how I spent the past hour. It is virtually a Kafka short-story. My objective is to get immediate restoration of service. AT&T's objective seems to be to get me to do their work for them.

So here is my postmodernist existentialist play. Sartre is my inspiration. With the right actors, this could make a mint.

AT&T: Hi, I’m AT&T’s automated virtual assistant. How can I help you today?

Me: My internet service is out. I have rebooted.

AT&T: Please select the service you are having issues with:
Mobile Phone
AT&T Internet
U-verse TV
AT&T Digital Phone

Me: Still out

AT&T: Hmmm. Could you rephrase your question? Virtual Assistants understand simple questions best.

Me: AT&T Internet

AT&T: Let's find out if service is out in your area! Click here.

If you want anything else, I'll be here.

AT&T: So I can assist you further, please select a product I can help you with:
Mobile Phone
AT&T Internet
U-verse TV
AT&T Digital Phone

Me: I am still waiting

AT&T: Let me get you to a specialist. Please tell us your first name.

Me: Charles

AT&T: Thank you. You will now be connected to a specialist for your issue.
We are now transferring you.

Agent Michael enters chat

Michael: Hi Charles! My name is Michael. I'm happy to help.

Me: Michael - A transformer went out on our street late last night. I assume this is related. This morning we have no internet service. I have rebooted and still nothing

Michael: Thank you for sharing that information with me! I can help you with that! Rest assured, I will find out what is happening and help you resolve it.

Michael: Can you please provide me with your Uverse account number or phone number?

Me: 55555555555

Michael: Thank you.

Michael: I have successfully pulled up your account.

Michael: I am running an automated diagnostic line test from my end to check if there is any line issues or outage and it might take a maximum of 2-5 minutes to get completed.

Me: k

Michael: Thank you.

Michael: Meanwhile, May I know the light status of your router?

Me: Router is in a different part of the house. Do you want me to go down and check it?

Michael: Yes, Please it is more helpful to isolate the root cause.

Me: Anything else you need from the router while I am down there?

Michael: No need only light status as if now?

Me: I'll be gone for five minutes.

Michael: Alright!

Me: Broadband indicator is red. Power, ethernet, wifi are all green

Michael: Thanks for the info!

Michael: Let me help you with some troubleshooting steps to resolve your concern.

Michael: If any need I will go ahead and send out a technician or replace the equipment to resolve your concern.

Michael: Will that be Okay with you?

Me: It has to be, right? We just went through this a month ago.

Michael: I personally apologize for the inconvenience

Michael: Let me check here what is happening with your router.

Michael: To protect your personal information and access your account, can you please provide me with your 4 digit passcode.
Me: either 5555 or 4444

Michael: Perfect.

Michael: I ran the line test and equipment test from my end and there are no line issues detected, while I was working on the equipment test, I found there are some errors, I am making some corrections from my end to get this resolved.

Michael: I could see that the issue persist with the router not sync with the server properly that is the reason connectivity problem has happening over there.

Me: OK

Michael: In this case we need to replace with the new advanced router.

Michael: We have an advanced router for your account, which is dual band (2.4 Ghz and 5 Ghz) and connects with all latest types of devices and has excellent wifi compatibility. There is no additional charge for this router/modem.

Me: Thank you. You do know that the router was just replaced this past month?

Michael: Yes, I can see that but still that is the old version router which has been replaced for you.

Me: OK. They said they were replacing my old router with the newest model but if that is not what happened, OK.

Me: Last time I had to wait several days to get the new router. Anyway to get the router delivered today? I work from home and hours without internet are hours without revenue.

Michael: I sincerely apologize for the inconvenience caused for you, Charles

Michael: I completely understand your concern. I do admit this can be a huge inconvenience.

Michael: This is not a experience we want you to have.

Me: Agree. I didn't want to have it this past month and and I certainly don't want to have it again.

Michael: However, Please do not worried about it I can replace you with the high priority so that you can get the shipment as earliest like on or before 11/26/2019.

Me: Today would be ideal. Tomorrow less so.

Michael: Alright, Let me complete the order first.

Michael: Meanwhile, I will also help you with the steps to return the old equipment to avoid possible charges.

Michael: We encourage you to return the defective/old equipment within 10 days to avoid being billed for non-returned equipment while the equipment is in transit. If you fail to return your equipment within 21 days a $150 equipment charge will be billed to your account.

Theequipment must be returned to an authorized UPS Store. http://www.theupsstore.com

UPS/FedEX will need your Billing Account Number and your order number.

No packing is required; simply bring your Billing Account Number and order number to the UPS/FedEX store and UPS/FedEX will package the device(s) for you.

UPS/FedEX will provide you a receipt confirming your return.

Please let me know if there are any clarifications.

Michael: Could you please confirm your service address?

Me: WOOOOWW. I don't want to also have to spend a couple of hours scurrying around doing your supply chain work for you. And I don't want to be threatened with charges for your equipment that is not working.

Me: Send out a technician with a new upgraded router, install it so that it works and take the old one away.

Me: If you want to pay my $250 hourly charge for doing your work for you, we can arrange that but don't presume to make my life harder, take away the service you are contracted to provide and then consume even more of my hours fixing the problem that rests with AT&T

Michael: Charles, I personally feel guilty for making our loyal customer like you feel this way.

Michael: Your issue needs to be taken care with high priority to make sure it will be resolved completely.

Me: Michael, this isn't directed at you. AT&T, twice in a month, has failed to deliver service. Apparently AT&T did not do the first time what they said they were going to do (replace router with current version), and now is trying to dictate how I spend my time.

Me: I just want the service restored quickly.

Me: I don't want to be threatened with fines.

Me: I don't want to wait several days till AT&T gets around to it.

Michael: Sure, Charles I will help you to restore your service as soon as possible.

Me: If AT&T is able to fix its problem quickly - GREAT.

Michael: Please do not worry I will also raise the credit request to our billing team for the inconvience caused for you.

Michael: And the credit will be reflected on your next month bill.

Me: I appreciate that. I don't mind not receiving any credit at all as long as service is restored promptly. Problems happen; no issue with that. This issue is that the same problem has happened twice inside a month; it took some days to resolve the first time, and it looks like it may take some more days this time. That is what I am unhappy about. But if AT&T is unable to fix its repeated problems expeditiously, then sure, a rebate is a nice gesture. But it isn't what I am focused on.

Michael: I can completely relate to your situation. If I were you I would have felt the same.

Michael: I apologize for the inconvenience and I truly understanding how frustrating your situation is.

Me: I have had similar issues at my office location. Outage, time taken to fix the problem, having to wait for technician, etc. The hours I spend with AT&T, you would think they were a major client.

Me: Which is just ranting on my part, but also feedback to AT&T. Treat your customers as if they mattered.

Michael: Let me get you connected with my Supervisor to check for the options he could provide to help you out .

Michael has left the chat

You are being transferred, please hold...

Agent Shawn enters chat

Shawn: Hi! My name is Shawn. I'm happy to help! Let's get started

Me: OK

Shawn: I have checked your above chat

Shawn: To fix the problem, we need to send a technician or to replace the router?

Shawn: Which would be helpful for you?

Me: Send a technician to replace the router and take the old one back.

Shawn: Sure give me a minute let me place the order for that.

Shawn: Thank you for waiting

Shawn: We ca n send the technician on 29th between 9-11 and 2-4

Me: Four days from now? This is just like last time.

Shawn: I am so sorry that is the earliest we have as of now

Shawn: If you want the router alone I can send that tomorrow.

Me: So I am going to be out of service for four days (again) and there is nothing AT&T can do?

Shawn: If you need the technician to bring it then 29th is the earliest slot

Me: Send me the router. Have your technician pick up the old one on the 29th. It is an absurd way to run your business but if that is what AT&T wants.

Shawn: Okay, give me a minute.

Me: I assume installation is pretty much plug-and-play.

Shawn: It will be a very easy installation.

Shawn: You need to just plug in like the way the old one is plugged

Shawn: On 29th is it possible for you to return the router to the UPS ?

Shawn: No packing is needed, just handover it to the UPS

Me: You understand the point I am trying to make. I am trying to avoid taking 45 minutes out of my day to act as an employee of AT&T and making a supply chain run for you. Your router, your problem, you fix.

Shawn: This is the order number : 7777777777

Me: But yes, as soon as I have the new router functioning, I'll fit in a run to UPS and send the old one back.

Shawn: Okay then I will follow up on this for you.

Shawn: Is there anything else I can assist you with?

Me: Let me count the ways . . .

Me: But no. I assume the new router arrives at UPS tomorrow, you'll send some confirming email with a tracking number, I'll install and as soon as service is restored, I will drop off the old router (old in the sense that it was just installed three weeks ago) at UPS. That all correct?

Me: Wait - you need delivery location information, right?

Me: 1776 Washington Road, Suite A200, Big City, Big State, 29096. It is a UPS store.

Shawn: Yes that correct.

Me: K. Looks like we are done unless there is anything else you need.

Shawn: No all good thank you

Shawn: Thank you for choosing AT&T. We appreciate your business. Have a great day!

Thank you for chatting with us today. The agent has left this conversation. Please continue to browse our website and use our self-service options.

Nice touch after that experience.

Please continue to browse our website and use our self-service options.

It is wonderful how a regulatory structure creates and protects an oligopoly with Soviet-era customer service practices.