Letter from Ulysses to Penelope from inside the Wooden Horse by Ronald Knox

Letter from Ulysses to Penelope from inside the Wooden Horse by Ronald Knox.  

Dear Wife, This letter comes to you from near the Trojan shore, 

where I'm concealed inside a jerry-built machine of war. 

Excuse the awful handwriting, it's all over the place: 

the reason is, my elbow's jammed in Demophoon's face. 

You'll notice that the ink I'm writing with is mixed in blood; 

don't worry, it's his leg, not mine, that gives a steady flood. 

The fact is this: I'm stuck inside a giant wooden horse 

constructed by Epeus - "laced with oaken ribs", of course. 

We chose the crew by throwing lots, the hardest lads together; 

I only wish the hardest lads weren't all as tough as leather. 

To what should I compare the situation that we're in? 

It feels as if we're packed like bloody sardines in a tin. 

The tickle up my nose from Thoas' crest I can't abide, 

And now Thersander's quiver's poking holes in my backside. 

The Trojans rolled us into town, they heaved us rough and quick; 

I've always hated sailing; as you know, it makes me sick. 

Right now they're throwing spears into the horse's flank to check; 

at any moment soon, I'm sure, I'll get it in the neck. 

Penelope, farewell. If I get out of here alive, 

I'll only ever go by foot, I swear, and never drive.